Whether we like it or not, the first five minutes of meeting someone more or less forms your opinion of them.
In fact, you’ve probably formed a bad impression of me the moment you looked at my glamour shots picture on this blog. You were like “Hey, this guy is a real dbag” and you were probably accurate. See what I mean?
Let’s assume you’re tired of making good impressions on people and what you really want to do is upset everyone you know. Here are a few easy steps to ensure a great outcome every time.
Be Really Cocky
No one likes someone that is modest and approachable. It instills a sense of being weak, non-exclusive, and stupid.
The best approach toward making a terrible impression is to be condescending and arrogant. You want people to immediately back off from you so you can immediately put them on the defensive where they can really open up.
Everyone loves the person that immediately asserts their dominance over them and makes them feel insecure in some way. Since most of us our so overwhelmed with a feeling of emotional certainty we look for someone to make us feel completely socially awkward to combat that problem.
Don’t Ask Questions
You never want to get caught showing any signs of legitimate interest in people. People hate it when you take an interest in them, ask thought provoking questions, and generally engage them on a human level.
Instead, make sure the onus of the conversation is placed squarely on their shoulders. Try to come up with answers that leave no possible reason to continue the conversation. If you can limit your answers to one word, or even less, perhaps a grunt or chortle, that would be best.
By not asking any questions when you meet people, you’ll be sure that they have no opportunity to know you at any level, and will effectively prevent the disease known as ‘relationships’ from infecting your life.
Pick Your Nose
Take an early and obvious opportunity to pull garbage out of your head with your hand, ideally the one that you just used to shake my hand.
Nothing allows me to concentrate on your every word like the constant thoughts of where else your fecal wand has been before it entered my world.
Take time to show me that you have many orifices that demand to be liberated with your crusty tentacles before bestowing upon me the final gift – a goodbye handshake.
Read my Badge First
If we’re fortunate enough to be at a conference filled with strangers, before you even say a word, you had better read my name badge.
But don’t start with my name. You have limited time to address me properly, so it’s best to start with my company name, followed by my title, and then last, if at all, my name.
I’ll never notice if you just glance at my first name alone, since the time it takes to read that is imperceptible. Let me talk to the top of your eyelids for a good 3 seconds while you digest and compute the insignificance of my existence.
I didn’t come up to you be addressed as a person, so please don’t offend me with regular conversation. I would prefer that we converse in binary language, a transmission really, calculating the relative financial outcome of this conversation compared to the amount of time you have left in your day.
Don’t Look at Me
Your beautiful eyes should never summon me. You’d be like the Medusa turning me to stone and shattering my brittle soul.
You need to constantly be scanning the crowd behind me like a hawk stalks his prey from above. Make sure that not a single person of interest crosses your path during a conversation with me, lest I be pissed that you didn’t talk to someone else.
If properly combined with a cocktail of cockiness and arrogance, this approach will actually form a sonic wall between us that will withstand any attempt I make to have something I’m saying reach you.
Deliver the Perfect Goodbye Combo Move
The way to be sure your impression is a lasting one is by making sure the final withdrawal is executed flawlessly. This is going to require a special master stroke harder than A-B-B-A-left-right-left-right-up-down-start, or the Contra equivalent.
Perfect Goodbye Combo Move:
1. Look away from me
2. Screw up my name (bonus points by forgetting it altogether)
3. Give me a limp wristed handshake
4. Suggest a follow-up that has nothing to do with our conversation
5. Kick me square in the crotch (you’ve come this far, why not?)